The Patterns I See

For years I had a deeply held perception of myself as “not creative.” I’ve always been a performer (actor, musician, etc) and I’ve created fiber arts since I was a teenager, but still I’ve always had trouble accepting the creativity in what I do. It’s only in my 30s that I’ve started to self-identify as an artist. I can follow a script or a score or a pattern, I can actualize someone else’s artistic vision, but I’ve always struggled to create on my own, without clear pattern or instructions.

Here’s the Work In Progress so far, it doesn’t look like much of anything yet!

Growing up as an undiagnosed Autistic & Adhd kid in the “gifted” academic track had its challenges. Among those being that I was a perfectionist with extremely rigid thinking patterns. Most things came easy to me, and I did them with excellence. When something didn’t come easy, my brain couldn’t handle it so I shut down and didn’t even try. Well, visual arts didn’t come easy to me, so the rigidity in my brain decided “I can’t do art, I’m not creative.” and that was that.

Have I ever told the story of how I first got into fiber arts? At one point in high school a friend gave me a cross stich kit for my birthday. I smiled politely and thanked her, putting it aside never to be touched again…. but then my mom chimed in, parroting back to me what I’d said to myself–and to her– so many times, “Oh, Ash can’t do that!” So, of course, I had to try. Thanks, mom, for the reverse psychology push to get me to try fiber arts for the first time!!

I move the hoop around as I work to maintain even tension. This fabric is 18 count, which means there’s 18 of those little x stitches per inch of fabric. Since the finished dimensions of the project are about 12 inch square, that’s over 45,000 total stitches.

Turns out, cross stitch was absolutely perfect for my autistic, perfectionist, pattern-seeking, rule-following brain! There were clear instructions, and as long as I followed them EXACTLY, then the design turned out PERFECT. I loved that I was able to create something cool just by following simple instructions, and the repetitive motion of the needle was a physical stim that helped me focus on audio and visual stimuli around me (you can tell by my high school transcript which teachers allowed me to stitch in class!)

If all goes well, this is what the final image should look like

It’s been a few years since I’ve dabbled in cross stitch, and I forgot how much a love it. It’s so soothing, so repetitive. Just challenging enough to get the tiny stitches in the right place that it holds my interest, but just simple enough that I can always multitask and use it as a physical stim. And it’s so very satisfying to see a picture start to form from all the tiny little stitches in seemingly random spots, just because I followed the pattern on the page.

These are two x-stitch projects I completed years ago, this wizard hangs in D’s bedroom
And these horses hang in C’s bedroom

I’m between knitting projects at the moment while I wait for some custom order yarn to be dyed and shipped, so I bought a couple new cross stitch patterns for the kids rooms, and I’m obsessed. It’s likely going to take me years to finish, but I’m loving getting back to my roots and doing cross stitch again! I’m also realizing that there is creativity even in following the pattern– and I’m pretty damn creative in other ways too, they just don’t come as easy to me so I have to overcome my rigid thinking that convinces myself that I “can’t” do it, in order to discover that I already am!

  • Featured project: Owl Moon Mosaic
  • Medium: Cross Stitch
  • Pattern: Owl Moon Mosaic
  • Materials: 18 ct Aida cloth, DMC embroidery floss
    • Cost of Materials: cloth=$12, hoop=$4, DMC embroidery floss in a few dozen colors=$50
  • Started February 2025, in progress

#NewProject #WorkinProgress #Neurospicy

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