It’s been a while y’all. I’ve been having a rough time this past year, and I’m about to get real with you. Don’t worry, I’ll still include pretty pictures and highlight some knitwear that I’m really proud of! But my art is inextricable from my politics, and politics is personal, and I need to get personal (and political) with you today.
I haven’t made much art recently. I’ve been struggling with my mental health; my existence has been one of day-to-day survival with no room in my brain for creativity and creation. This sweater was a present for my dad’s 70th birthday, and I finally finished it last spring just in time for him to turn 71. When I logged in to this blog today, determined to pick it up again and write something–anything– I was surprised to realized I hadn’t actually written an entry featuring this completed sweater yet! It’s great, because now I have an easy choice of feature for this post, but it also perhaps gives you insight into the current state of my brain in that I haven’t written in months because I thought I had nothing to write about, when in reality I never got around to sharing with you one of the biggest projects I’ve ever completed.
This is my first full size adult sweater, and I am very pleased and proud with how it turned out! I did have some sizing issues, especially with the arms (one of them ended up inexplicably longer than the other and it took several tries to frog it and get the arms to match). It was fun to knit, I learned a lot about sweater shapes and sizing, and I’m getting much better at problem solving and being able to devise my own solutions when things go wrong and patterns aren’t quite what I need. So far the most complicated pattern I’ve written myself is for hats, but I really think I’m getting close to the point at which I’m going to start customizing all of my own original patterns!
I’m really thrilled to get to share this with you, even more thrilled to be able to give a gift like this to my dad (Robin, I know you’re reading this, please remind dad to actually wear the sweater! It’s not meant to sit preserved safely in a drawer forever!) But writing this showcase post is also sad, because I haven’t created much of anything since I finished this sweater last spring. I miss making art.
Did you know that a common symptom of depression is inability to enjoy the things that usually bring you joy? Did you know that the executive dysfunction that often comes with ADHD can present an insurmountable barrier from starting tasks, even fun and rewarding tasks, like making my art or writing this blog? My neurotype and mental illness have me in a catch 22, that the things that would help my depression (like making art) become impossible to do when I’m depressed. Moreover, did you know that untreated ADHD can exacerbate depressive episodes and anxiety disorders? Did you know that ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence are drastically underdiagnosed in AFAB people? According to the NIH, among children there is a 3:1 ratio of boys to girls with ADHD diagnosis. Among adults, that ratio of men to women is 1:1. Most adult women are diagnosed in their late 30s-early 40s. I guess I was lucky, I finally got my formal diagnosis at age 36. I’m smart (labeled “gifted” as a child 😒), I always did well in school, I never got in trouble, I never had much of the “hyperactive” part of the ADHD acronym. I’ve been in treatment for depression and anxiety since I was a kid, but I’m the sort of neurospicy that isn’t too annoying for the neurotypical people to be around, so none of my family or teachers or therapists or anyone else ever considered that untreated ADHD might be contributing to, or even causing my depression or anxiety. How fucked up is it that diagnostic criteria and evaluations for support are so often based on how much a person’s disability inconveniences neuroprivileged people or disrupts neo-capitalist productivity demands, instead of centering the needs of the neurodivergent person!
I’ve recently, finally, started prescription stimulants, as well as done a lot of research to better understand my neurotype and talk therapy to learn strategies to cope with the ways that our dominant societal structures are incompatible with the way my brain works. It’s hard, and it’s slow, and it sucks. But I had 2 hours unscheduled this morning and I thought to myself “hey, I would really love to write an entry on my blog!” And then I just. did it. I don’t think I can quite express to neuroprivileged people how incredible that is. How never before in my life have I been able to just. do. the. thing. like that. I wonder, how my life would be different if I’d gotten the supports and medication I needed throughout my childhood and young adulthood.
Anyway. This post got real vulnerable. To be honest, I’m not ok. I haven’t been ok for a while. But I’m getting there, very slowly and with lots of backslides. Have y’all heard the bag of marbles analogy for ADHD? (if not, definitely go watch that video, it’s pretty great!) My bag right now is kind of made of mesh and half my marbles are small enough they fall right through, but at least I have a bag, for the first time in my life. At the very least, I’m hopeful that my brain is going to start letting me make art again soon. My heart and my soul need it. And I really like sharing it with all of you!
- Featured project: Rick’s sweater
- Medium: knitting
- Pattern: https://www.knitpicks.com/north-ridge-pullover/p/52928D
- Materials: Berroco “ultra alpaca”, worsted weight, 50/50 alpaca/wool, dark burgundy tweed. Purchased from https://www.kcyarncompany.com
- Started: February 2022
Completed: April 2023 - Other posts featuring this project: https://owlweaver.wordpress.com/2022/04/07/lets-try-a-sweater/
#knitting #buylocal #doneisgood #showcase #politics #personalispolitical
The Owl Weaver 
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